Tidying Up at the Museum (satire)
The following is not a transcript of a recent staff meeting held at the Major Museum of Art in New York City, led by Director Robert Caucasian and attended by Board President Helena Van Rightwing.
Robert: I hope everyone will welcome a visitor that I have invited to today’s meeting. She is Marie Studio-Apartment, a highly regarded consultant who assists museums with de-cluttering.
(polite applause)
Marie: (blushing) I’m just so happy to be here! I love museums, especially ones that are de-accessioning!
To get started, let me explain the process for museums. My Vasari method involves cleaning up in these five categories:
1) Museum collections
2) Museum bookstore
3) Records and archives
4) Kimonos: (Museum Staff)
5) Donations: Second-rate items and sentimental Renoirs
Curator: Marie, I really need your help. The Italian Baroque painting room is just so cluttered and busy: it feels claustrophobic.
Marie: Try taking the paintings off the walls and sorting them into four categories: crucifixions, ascending virgins, martyred saints and baby Jesus.
Then, lean them against the walls in stacks. Go through them one at a time and ask yourself: “Does this spark guilt?” Get rid of the ones that don’t. Then do a quick Agnes Martin pop-up show to alter the Feng Shui and you’re ready to re-install
Curator #2: The Modern wing is jammed too. We have walls and walls of Picasso, Gauguin, Balthus…
Marie: Sometimes you need a friend to help. Have Hannah Gadsby come in and ask her “Which of these creep you out?”
Bookstore Manager: I’m so glad you mentioned the bookstore. We are literally drowning in catalogs, scarves, postcards, Basquiat skate decks…
Marie: Start by asking yourself which books spark joy when you see them on the shelf. Remove all of the rest.
I would recommend you keep maybe 30 titles or less.
Bookstore Manager: So just Taschen?
Marie: Yes. Also keep a few umbrellas in a Monet trashcan. They sell really well on rainy days.
Archivist: Marie, I don’t know how I can reduce the archives. For one thing, they contain the provenance records that prove our masterpieces are authentic.
Marie: You don’t really need provenance records. If something needs to be authenticated there are experts you can pay to help with anything: remember the “Salvator Mundi?” Contact any major auction house and they will know who to call.
Registrar: Marie I’m desperate for your help. Our storage area is jammed with mediocre works that have been gathering dust for decades.
Marie: (jumping for joy) Hearing this makes me happy!
Registrar: What is your advice?
Marie: Consign them all to auction and donate the proceeds to social justice causes. Doing this will spark joy throughout your museum staff and your nation.
Robert: Marie, I have to step in here. As I’m sure you know, what you are suggesting is illegal and also just a little bit too “Aggie Gund” for this museum.
Marie: I feel sad now.
Board President: Marie, this is awkward to bring up, but I have just been informed (turning towards Robert) that our Director has been having an affair with another staff member that creates a conflict of interest. I think we need to “tidy up” in our administration.
Marie: Helena, a Museum Director is a necessity. But you can still fix this problem easily. Just trade your Director for a similar one from the West Coast and it will all be fine.
Robert: You have sparked so much joy in my life! (gives Marie an inappropriately tight hug)
Meeting adjourned.